Christmas Under Western Skies Read online

  No regrets. No pain. No wishing for things that couldn’t be hers.

  He must have read her determined withdrawal, for his smile soon faded.

  She pressed her lips together more tightly and told herself she didn’t feel abandoned.

  Uncle Mac returned with the pail and the two men struggled to get the tree in place with Kathy’s eager help.

  Winnie was grateful she had a few moments, un observed, to get her thoughts and emotions under control.

  Satisfied, the men stood back to admire their work.

  Kathy clapped her hands. “Now go do chores.”

  Uncle Mac chuckled. “What’s the hurry? I thought I might have a nap first.”

  Kathy grabbed his hand. “Oh, please, Uncle Mac. Hurry so we can decorate the tree.”

  Uncle Mac made a great show of yawning and stretching. “It was hard work getting that tree home.”

  “Uncle Mac.” Kathy dragged the words out.

  Derek swung her off her feet. “He’s teasing you. We’re going out right now. You want to help?”

  The words were barely out of his mouth before she dashed for her coat and stood bouncing from foot to foot as she waited.

  Uncle Mac chuckled and grabbed his outerwear.

  “Think she’s having fun yet?” Derek murmured as he passed Winnie.

  “Not a bit,” she replied.

  As soon as the door closed behind them, she collapsed on a chair and buried her face in her hands. Oh, God, help me. All I want is to give them a good Christmas, help them move forward. Oh, and please, God, let me be able to leave without leaving behind my heart.

  They had never eaten supper in such a hurry, and Winnie promised she would leave the dishes until after the tree was done.

  She stood back as Derek handed Kathy decorations and helped her put them in place. The red ball was pushed to one side.

  Kathy gave a gold bow to Uncle Mac. “You have to help, too.” She handed a wooden toy soldier to Derek.

  “You, too.” Derek carried a silver metal icicle to Winnie.

  She shrank back. Being part of this event would only make it harder to keep herself distanced from them. She shook her head.

  But Derek didn’t retreat. His eyes filled with dark determination and soft kindness. He wasn’t about to take no for an answer, so she took the icicle and slowly circled the tree, pretending to look for the best place.

  Uncle Mac and Kathy were too occupied to notice, but she felt Derek’s watchfulness, even as he continued to hang ornaments.

  She blindly hung the bit of twisted metal. She would not let him guess how difficult this was, how she knew she would not leave without tearing her heart from her chest, leaving it bleeding on the doorstep. But leave she would. She must.

  “Do you remember this?” Derek asked as he picked up the red ball.

  Kathy nodded, her eyes wide.

  Winnie ventured a guess the child had forgotten to breathe.

  Kathy took the ball and waited for Derek to lift her so she could hang it high on the tree.

  The three of them admired the tree.

  Kathy sighed. “Now it’s really Christmas.”

  Winnie hung back and watched. This was what she had wanted to accomplish—help them return to the joy of the season—and if it exacted a price from her, she would not complain.

  Kathy turned to Derek. “Do you remember Mama’s favorite Christmas song?”

  In his rich baritone, Derek sang, “Joy to the world! The Lord is come.”

  Kathy joined with her thin child’s voice. After a few bars, Uncle Mac added a quivery, uncertain sound.

  Derek reached out and pulled Winnie to his side. Warm, sheltered, she sang with the others. For just this moment, she would let herself be part of a family. As if she really belonged.

  Her voice caught on the words, but she forced herself to continue. Derek’s arm tightened across her shoulders and she knew he had heard the strain in her throat.

  She slipped away as soon as the song finished. “Anyone for cocoa and brownies?”

  The four of them hunkered around the table. It was Saturday, so Kathy was allowed to stay up late.

  A sudden memory of childhood flitted across Winnie’s mind—just a flash, like a bird startled from an overhead tree branch. She stiffened, tried to capture it, identify it. It hovered, teasingly, then fluttered away. She let out the breath of air she hadn’t realized she was holding.

  Derek reached across the table and cupped his hand over hers. “Something wrong?”

  She shook her head, avoided looking directly at him, lest she see kindness and concern. Such a look would bring the tears. She must never start to cry, for if she did, she would never stop.

  “Guess what I’m going to draw in my book tonight?” Kathy asked. It had become a nightly ritual, one that seemed to give them all pleasure as they shared both good and bad from their day.

  Kathy opened the pages and drew a big Christmas tree. No surprise there. Nor the prominence of the red ball and four stick people with circle mouths. “To show them singing,” she explained.

  Then she drew four more stick figures. It seemed two were children—a boy and a girl. The other two adults—a man and a woman hovered above the tree.

  “It’s Mama, Papa, Peter and Susan having Christmas with us,” she said, still concentrating on her drawing.

  Winnie felt the waiting stillness of Derek and Uncle Mac matching her own. Would Kathy react to this reminder of her loss?

  But Kathy continued to work. Finally, she leaned back, allowing them to see what she’d done. She framed the picture with little drawings of the ornaments and star shapes. “Snowflakes,” she explained.

  Again, something tickled the edges of Winnie’s brain. She grew still, waiting, hoping for the thought to reveal itself.

  There was a snowstorm. She remembered that much but no more.

  Kathy yawned.

  “It’s time for one little girl to go to bed,” Derek said. “Run and get your nightgown on.”

  Kathy opened her mouth to protest, then smiled. “I guess I am tired.”

  Winnie stared at the table before her. The memory had retreated, she realized with a sigh of gratitude.

  Derek reached for her hand and she knew he had again been aware of her shift of emotions. Rather than let him touch her, she grabbed the empty cups and stacked them together.

  Kathy returned and went to Derek’s side. “Are you going to sing Mama’s hymn to me?”

  It had become another part of the nightly ritual.

  “If you’d like.”

  Kathy hugged and kissed Uncle Mac good-night, then went to Winnie’s side to do the same. “Thank you for making Christmas so much fun,” she whispered.

  Winnie blinked back the moisture in her eyes. Despite her best resolve, she had grown exceedingly fond of this sweet child.

  Derek took Kathy to the rocker and held her while he sang. She fell asleep in his arms and he carried her into her room.

  Restless, Winnie went to stare out the window. A few fluffy snowflakes drifted toward the ground.

  “Maybe we’ll get snow for Christmas.” Derek stood close. She felt him in every pore. Solid as a rock.

  Again, the shadow of a memory flickered. She concentrated on the falling snow, willing the memory to the surface. It was so close. She could almost touch it. She shivered, both afraid of the memory and hungry for it.

  He draped an arm across her shoulders. Perhaps he thought her shiver meant she was cold. At his touch, her heart reacted like an overexcited puppy. She should pull away. But she didn’t.

  “I want to add my thanks to Kathy’s. You’ve made the season one to remember.”

  She could only nod mute acknowledgment.

  She would have to fight hard to forget this season, but forget she must, or turn into a mournful woman.

  Chapter Five

  The stillness of the night wakened Derek. He slipped from his bed, ignoring the iciness of his room, and padded to the windo
w. Snow. Enough to cover the ground and still falling, promising a perfect Christmas.

  Not too long ago he’d dreaded the day. Now, he was almost as eager as Kathy. Thanks to Winnie, he realized he had memories to cherish and carry with him, and an opportunity to create new ones.

  Winnie had done so much for him. Them, he mentally corrected. Kathy especially.

  He recalled the many things she’d done to make their lives more pleasant. He wanted to do something in return. Somehow make the day special for her as well.

  But what could he do?

  He suddenly smiled and returned to bed, but as soon as it was light, he tiptoed out to the barn, selected the appropriate piece of wood. He would honor the Lord’s day and wait until Monday to start work on his project.

  Kathy waited as he opened the door. “Did you see the snow?”

  He shook flakes from his hat to her face. “You mean this wet, sticky stuff?”

  She squealed and ducked behind Winnie when he threatened to shake his coat at her.

  “It’s beautiful out,” Winnie said.

  Uncle Mac came from his room yawning. “Who can sleep with all this racket?”

  Kathy bounced across the room. “Snow. Snow. Snow.” She danced to Derek’s side. “Let’s go play in it.”

  “Breakfast is ready.” Winnie smiled at Kathy’s enthusiasm.

  “After breakfast. Pleeease.” She dragged the word out for ten seconds.

  Derek pretended he had to contemplate the question, but the truth was, he couldn’t think of any excuse. Playing in the snow with his baby sister sounded just fine. Especially if they could persuade Winnie to join them.

  He forced himself to eat slowly, calmly. But something inside him felt as bouncy as Kathy, who teetered precariously and impatiently on the edge of her chair.

  The meal over, she dashed for the door and pulled on woolen pants and coat. “Hurry up, Derek.”

  He shifted his gaze to Winnie. She watched Kathy with affection and maybe just a touch of longing. He couldn’t say if the longing took the shape of wanting to belong to a family, or regret at knowing her stay was almost over. But before he got lost in questions he couldn’t answer, he spoke. “Winnie, leave the dishes for now and come enjoy the snowfall.”

  “I’ll do them,” Uncle Mac offered. “I’ve enjoyed the scenery often enough. I think it’s your turn.”

  She hesitated a moment, glanced out the window, then smiled. “Sounds like fun.”

  Kathy raced ahead, dashing from one side of the trail to the other, picking up handfuls of snow, tossing it into the air and letting it fall on her upturned face.

  Derek and Winnie laughed.

  He took her mittened hand and swung their joined hands.

  “There’s something about snow.”

  “You sound as if you aren’t sure you like it.”

  “Oh, it’s beautiful. Like a gossamer curtain over the land. But…” She paused. “Something about snow has been tugging at my mind since last night. It’s just out of reach. I wish I could recall what it is.” Her voice cracked. “Or maybe I don’t.”

  “Sometimes when I push too hard to remember or forget, it makes it impossible to do so.”

  She laughed. “You mean if I forget about it, I’ll remember?”

  “Something like that.”

  “So I need to forget to remember? Or is it remember to forget?”

  “Yes.”

  She jerked his hand. “Oh, you! You’re talking in riddles.”

  He burst out laughing, which brought Kathy to their side.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Winnie can’t remember if she is supposed to remember or forget something.”

  Kathy shook her head. “That’s silly.”

  “Indeed it is.” He tried to make his face appropriately disapproving, but knew he failed.

  Winnie’s smile caught him in his solar plexus with its gentle sweetness. Despite the sorrows and hardships of her life, she found ways to pour happiness into the lives of others. A true blessing to those she came in contact with.

  Kathy grabbed his hand and begged him to play. They started a game of tag that included Winnie despite her protests. She squealed and raced away when he reached to tag her. He easily overtook her. She stumbled as she tried to escape. He caught her, pulled her close, safe in his arms.

  Her breath came in gulps. She rested against his chest until her breathing returned to normal, then she stepped back. “Thank you,” she murmured, her gaze lowered.

  “My pleasure.” His voice had a husky note. He cleared his throat, hoping she would think the cold or snow or exertion caused it. Not a foolish desire to hold her close, keep her safe….

  He turned away. He was a miserable failure at keeping his loved ones safe.

  Kathy danced by Winnie. “Can’t catch me. Can’t catch me.”

  With a speed that surprised both Kathy and Derek, Winnie caught her, trapping her in her arms. Kathy wriggled, trying to escape, while Winnie tickled her and wouldn’t let her go.

  They both tumbled to the ground in a tangle of arms and legs and giggles.

  Derek stared down at the pair, his hands jammed to his hips in mock scolding. “How am I supposed to know whose turn it is?”

  They stilled and stared up at him. A second too late, he saw the flash of mischief in Winnie’s eyes and the way she squeezed Kathy’s hand. Before he could back away, they each grabbed an ankle and yanked. He went down like a tree tackled by an axe. His lungs emptied with a whoosh and he lay staring at the sky.

  Kathy plunked to his chest and grinned.

  “Two against one. No fair.”

  “You’re bigger.”

  “Can’t say I feel a lot bigger lying on the ground with a half-pint gal on me.”

  Winnie crept closer, on her hands and knees. “We didn’t hurt you, did we?”

  He groaned. “I think I busted a rib. Maybe two.” He groaned again for good measure.

  Winnie knelt beside him, her face wreathed in concern. “Should I get Uncle Mac to assist you to the house?”

  He snaked out a hand, grabbed one of her wrists and yanked so that she tumbled to the ground. She grunted and flipped to her back. “You tricked me.”

  “Guess that makes us even.”

  Kathy flopped from his chest and rolled to the ground, cuddling close. Winnie lay at his other side, their shoulders barely touching. He stared up into the falling snow, blinking when it landed on his eyelashes.

  If not for the cold seeping into his limbs, he might be tempted to stay as they were—peaceful and content.

  He pushed to his feet, untangling from Kathy’s clutches. “I think we’d better go inside and get dried off.” He pulled Winnie up and kept her hand in his. He grinned when she made no effort to pull away.

  Christmas Eve was on a Sunday, so the church had decided to do the Christmas evening service a week prior to the actual date. Kathy had been bouncing around all afternoon, as if she could make the time go faster by her efforts.

  Winnie put the last touches on the cake she would be bringing for the tea after.

  Uncle Mac wandered in and out all day, as restless as Kathy.

  Derek pretended to read the stack of month-old newspapers, but his mind followed Winnie’s movements back and forth. Would she like what he planned to make her?

  Receive it in the spirit in which he gave it?

  And what spirit was that?

  Gratitude, he insisted to his mocking mind. Wellwishes for the future. Nothing more. Absolutely nothing more.

  He tossed the paper aside.

  Winnie gave him a startled look.

  “We need new papers,” he muttered.

  She glanced at the clock over the sofa. He sought the same escape. “Time to get ready.”

  Kathy dashed to her room. He took his time going to his.

  A few minutes later he emerged, a little self-conscious, in his black suit with his new black Stetson. Kathy stepped from her room in a green velvet dress
. “Where did you get that?”

  “Winnie made it for me.” Kathy twirled to show him her dress from every angle. “She did my hair, too.”

  “Looks good.” Brown ringlets tied back by a green bow. “When did she get time to do all that?”

  Winnie entered. “It wasn’t that difficult.”

  His eyes widened. Normally Winnie wore a simple frock, which she kept covered by a generous apron. Normally she wore her hair in a simple bun thing, or with braids wrapped about her head and pinned in place, but now… Now she wore a dark red dress with wide sleeves. Now she had her hair parted in the middle and somehow fashioned in rolls behind her ears, making her eyes seem wider. In fact, she was downright attractive.

  And no doubt every young buck in the territory attending the Christmas service would take note.

  A flare of protectiveness seared through his veins. He would be kept busy keeping them away from her tonight.

  She backed up, glanced down at her dress. “Is something wrong?”

  “No. You look fine. Real fine.”

  Pink color pooled in her cheeks. “Thank you. So do you.”

  He turned away as his own face burned. “Where’s Uncle Mac?”

  “At your service,” Mac called from the doorway. “Your ride awaits.”

  Derek indicated Winnie should go first and reached for Kathy’s hand to follow. Winnie stepped outside and gasped, “A sleigh.”

  “Thought it appropriate for the occasion.”

  Derek wondered if there was enough snow for the runners but decided it didn’t matter. He sat in the middle with Winnie on one side and Kathy on the other. Mac took the reins. Mac had found buffalo robes and Derek covered them with the warm furs.

  “This is really like Christmas, isn’t it?” Kathy’s voice was filled with awe. “I don’t see how I’m going to wait one more week.”

  “Some of us still have things to do,” Derek said. He wasn’t anxious for the days to fly past. But time did seem to speed up. The trip took far less time than normal.

  After Winnie took the cake to the fellowship hall beside the church, they crowded into the sanctuary with most of the community and found a spot big enough for three of them on the end of a pew.